I need therapy. Again.

I feel as though I am in a much better head space than I have ever been. As a child and well into my 20s, I was horribly agoraphobic. I even hated people because I felt as though everyone I was forced to be around hated me and sucked the life energy out of me. It was draining, made me anxious, and I was a disgustingly irritable person (aka, I hated me). Therapy and making a choice to change helped. I learned how to socialize. I learned how to take care of myself so I could deal with the things that drained me. I learned to fill my life up with things that energized me. That’s not to say that I was cured.

There are many times when my list of things to help me deal with x,y, and z don’t work. I use to beat myself up over it a lot, but lately I’m taking a different approach. I know I’m having anxiety and it’s okay. The surprising thing is that this has helped somewhat. I’m allowed to feel a range of emotions and it shouldn’t be dictated by another person. I am in control of my feelings in the sense that I allow myself to feel. I like to think there’s a reason for it that I may not quiet understand just yet.

When I think back to the really tough things I have been through it makes me think that it helped to prepare me for what I’ve been dealing with recently. I have been going through periods where it feels like it takes all day to figure out who I am and where I’m going as a person. Then I go to sleep only to wake up feeling like I have no idea again. I have thought it has been okay because I have been through a lot worse. I’ve been coping fairly well with it for a while, but all I’ve been doing is trying to disassociate. This is by far my favorite tactic that I have used most of my life, but in different ways. Some people consider this to be spacing out, day dreaming, fantasizing, etc… I have always called it “my happy place”.

I actually want to return to therapy. I think I need a boost, but I tend to be super particular about the people I connect with in general. I need someone who understands that I tend to be rather out there. I have a lot of varied and intricate beliefs rolled up together. It’s confusing to pull apart, but each piece equally supports a part of who I am as a person. I do not think therapy is bad, I just find a lot of therapists who aren’t what I specifically need.

I guess it’s time to start making phone calls.


4 thoughts on “Confession

  1. I’m proud of you for wanting to recover and wanting to get better. That’s an extremely hard thing to do. I haven’t been able to get even close to that yet because I’ve been forced into a fake recovery which means I have to pretend like everything is okay when it’s not. Hang in there xx


    • I can relate to that sentiment. That is my problem with disassociating. It’s not real recovery. I space out and avoid actually learning to cope in a constructive way. It takes time to get to that point to make changes and I’ve certainly waned back and forth with it. We’re all on such a unique and personalized journey. I hope you get to where you want to be as well!

      Liked by 1 person

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